Sleep Deprivation, the Cheapest Drug?
Sleep Deprivation, the Cheapest Drug?
DISCLAIM: Super long post, stream of consciousness/lack of sleep style. If you think it should be green, tell me and I'll paint it so [someone wanted it green...]. It only takes one comment ;-)
So, if you read my blog, first off, thanks. Also, you may know that I have problems dealing with my irrational thoughts on a rational level, by definition. Oh, and by the way, I have not slept yet. I plan on it. When my brain and body suffer simultaneous temporary failure. Any time now...
...
...
Anyway.
Where was I.
Oh yeah, so irrationality.
Why can't I just realize how pointless desire is? By definition it is wanting something you do not have, but when you have it, you can't really desire it. At least not at the moment of achievement. But it rebuilds, and desire grows again. Desire and addiction are siblings in the house of my inanity. (Yes, I figured inanity was a more light-hearted word than insanity...) So I decided I could fight my desire for certain things. But irrationality can whisper, silently, relentlessly, till I wonder why I was avoiding said objects. Well, I do not think I am addicted to monster, I just really appreciate it. Besides, it has vitamins. And my real desires tend to be for less monetarily achievable aims.
Someone once asked me if they could buy me something, what would I want. It's funny how I can be stumped by simple questions, yet can make up answers to subjects I know nothing about. Then they asked me if I wanted them to decide for me. I chuckled. They didn't. I pondered. I do not think my lack of a response was due to indecision, it was simply due to a lack of desire. I have food, water, bed (even if I don't use it as much as I'd like, if you know what I mean). I enjoy having things, but I do not feel the need for them, and I do not generally feel want for something I no longer have. However, the desire of company, it drives deep into me. Touches me physically, emotionally, mentally, and...dare I say...spiritually. Yet when I continually experience the mutual sharing of company, I begin suffering from a plague of self-doubt. It's hard for me to understand why they like me. I may begin to avoid them, intentionally or unintentionally... Not because I feel any negative feelings toward them... I think it's a deeper issue than I'm aware of.
*Hops on the couch*
So, I guess it started in school, I was always different, if I let my intelligence flow freely, people made fun of me. If I kept to myself, people made fun of me. If I tried to act childish like them, I felt silly. So I decided to just keep to myself, knowing they'd tire. And in junior high, kids being cruel, some things were said that left a very long term impact.
*Gets more comfortable*
I didn't have any substantial relationships in my 'school daze'... In retrospect, I probably had two-three great opportunities, but as reasonably smart as I was, I was naive. I probably also disbelieved the signs. I mean, if a girl was staring at me, it might have been because my hair was messed up. Or she was trying to figure out why my eyes had dark circles. Maybe she was trying to figure out if I was the shy boring type, or the quiet scary type. I did wear all black, after all...
*Stretches out fully*
Then there was my friendship issues. I never really felt like I wanted or needed a lot of friends. I felt that I would have had to have been false to maintain more than a few. I wasn't a social genius by any means. And I remember losing a few friends for strange reasons. One parent said I couldn't come around anymore because I was too polite. Then there was the time I went to the hospital during my then-best-friend's birthday party. He didn't talk to me much after that. My family also seemed to have the habit of moving an average of every four months.
*Idly picks at a couch seam*
So, back to relationships I guess...
Actually...no, I've rambled long enough, there's probably no one left reading...
[Except you...]
If we only have one life to live, you would think it would be our most valuable singular commodity...So why is it so easy to waste?
Doesn't it make you smile when you see someone cute, but you can't get a good look because everytime you glace their way they are looking at you...?
So, if you read my blog, first off, thanks. Also, you may know that I have problems dealing with my irrational thoughts on a rational level, by definition. Oh, and by the way, I have not slept yet. I plan on it. When my brain and body suffer simultaneous temporary failure. Any time now...
...
...
Anyway.
Where was I.
Oh yeah, so irrationality.
Why can't I just realize how pointless desire is? By definition it is wanting something you do not have, but when you have it, you can't really desire it. At least not at the moment of achievement. But it rebuilds, and desire grows again. Desire and addiction are siblings in the house of my inanity. (Yes, I figured inanity was a more light-hearted word than insanity...) So I decided I could fight my desire for certain things. But irrationality can whisper, silently, relentlessly, till I wonder why I was avoiding said objects. Well, I do not think I am addicted to monster, I just really appreciate it. Besides, it has vitamins. And my real desires tend to be for less monetarily achievable aims.
Someone once asked me if they could buy me something, what would I want. It's funny how I can be stumped by simple questions, yet can make up answers to subjects I know nothing about. Then they asked me if I wanted them to decide for me. I chuckled. They didn't. I pondered. I do not think my lack of a response was due to indecision, it was simply due to a lack of desire. I have food, water, bed (even if I don't use it as much as I'd like, if you know what I mean). I enjoy having things, but I do not feel the need for them, and I do not generally feel want for something I no longer have. However, the desire of company, it drives deep into me. Touches me physically, emotionally, mentally, and...dare I say...spiritually. Yet when I continually experience the mutual sharing of company, I begin suffering from a plague of self-doubt. It's hard for me to understand why they like me. I may begin to avoid them, intentionally or unintentionally... Not because I feel any negative feelings toward them... I think it's a deeper issue than I'm aware of.
*Hops on the couch*
So, I guess it started in school, I was always different, if I let my intelligence flow freely, people made fun of me. If I kept to myself, people made fun of me. If I tried to act childish like them, I felt silly. So I decided to just keep to myself, knowing they'd tire. And in junior high, kids being cruel, some things were said that left a very long term impact.
*Gets more comfortable*
I didn't have any substantial relationships in my 'school daze'... In retrospect, I probably had two-three great opportunities, but as reasonably smart as I was, I was naive. I probably also disbelieved the signs. I mean, if a girl was staring at me, it might have been because my hair was messed up. Or she was trying to figure out why my eyes had dark circles. Maybe she was trying to figure out if I was the shy boring type, or the quiet scary type. I did wear all black, after all...
*Stretches out fully*
Then there was my friendship issues. I never really felt like I wanted or needed a lot of friends. I felt that I would have had to have been false to maintain more than a few. I wasn't a social genius by any means. And I remember losing a few friends for strange reasons. One parent said I couldn't come around anymore because I was too polite. Then there was the time I went to the hospital during my then-best-friend's birthday party. He didn't talk to me much after that. My family also seemed to have the habit of moving an average of every four months.
*Idly picks at a couch seam*
So, back to relationships I guess...
Actually...no, I've rambled long enough, there's probably no one left reading...
[Except you...]
If we only have one life to live, you would think it would be our most valuable singular commodity...So why is it so easy to waste?
Doesn't it make you smile when you see someone cute, but you can't get a good look because everytime you glace their way they are looking at you...?
posted by Instantiable at 12:29 PM
7 Comments:
i, personally, find greg to be a fine fellow and one whose company i enjoy. speaking of which, if you're interested, there's a show tonight at 9:30 at the hipointe. check out myspace.com/toryzstarbuck and feel free pop in...
meow.
Make it green! ha ha ha!...
I don't know why, and I haven't read the post yet, but color is good.
Awww, I didn't get that message in time. So I ended up just relaxing in my room and sleeping for about 8-12 hours. All in all, not too bad. How was it?
GREEN! YES! exquisite pain to the retina!
> <
0
You cut off right when you were getting to the really interesting part. :(
it was dandy! i'll let you --as well as a bunch of other people that i probably should have let know-- about the next one. i didn't even think to tell anyone until opportunities to spread the word were handed to me...that was probably a mistake :)
I am a parent and would probably pass out if my children's friends were actually polite. People can be so stange....
My mom put the 'fear' into me... As in the fear of being rude. Unfortunately, I must have seemed like a robot to some people. Please and thank you were conditioned responses. Thanks for posting! =)
Post a Comment
<< Home