Once More With Feeling or Not

Alright, so the previous post was rather uninteresting, superficial and lacked the ability to provoke sufficient thought (I mean, spiders? Come on...)

[This is all in general terms for a reason, don't add specificity to it.]
[If you think this refers to you, think again, it's talking about an 'object' after all.]

Why is it we desire what others have? Even those with the ability to desire primarily only that which is important to them still end up losing some virtue from time to time. And then, when the desire is achieved, there can be an intense burst of satisfaction. But rather than it being a long term sensation, like a candle's flame, it's extremely brief, like a cannon (alright, alright, a firecracker...). So, they control themselves...tell themselves it won't happen again... but they know they lie.

Then there are times when even the achievement of the goal is insufficient. They want more, another goal is set, they strive and achieve, they set a new goal, and the cycle continues. Eventually the finish line is out of reach and they falter, surrender seems like the only option, and so they give in to defeat...

For instance, I've had something before, and even when I had it, I wanted more. Then someone else had the same object, and I realized maybe it wasn't so special. When it was mine, it made me feel unique in some way, for some strange reason. Once that spark was gone, the object lost its luster, it's attraction. The filter I was viewing it through faded away in a nebulous puff of mist... It wasn't special, and neither was I.

Then I discover that someone else, a third party, holds the object in obsessive opinion. Well, if it's good enough for him, maybe it is good enough for me? My thoughts attempt to retrace themselves, did I make a mistake? Did I replace one lense for another? Am I thinking lucidly at all? Should I reconsider?

No, I'm probably just neurotic, thanks for pointing that out...

[Perhaps the above isn't general enough, but I guess as the writer I know a bit more than the reader.]

I may have broken the habit of lying to others, but I can't tell myself the truth if my mind doesn't reveal it to me.

Death of a Spider or What's for Breakfast

I awoke to my cell phone... not a call, just the alarm. Half the time when I awake to it, I still think it's ringing... So, attempt to guess the first thing I do... Get dressed? No... Eat breakfast? Not quite... Go sit in front of the computer for a quick peek? Hmm, apparently. And as I sit I see something hovering. It's not fuzz, but an unfortunate creature. I say unfortunate because, although I have no interest in personally killing any creature large or small, I feel compelled to remove spiders from my presence. Maybe it's the fact that I've been bitten in my sleep, or maybe it's a thought a little more pleasant...

http://www.straightdope.com/mailbag/mspidereat.html

So, for those who don't want to leave my blog, thanks, I cherish your visit. For your benefit I will quote a bit from the straightdope page. And if anyone reads this months down the road and the link is broken, please feel free to email harmonichalo at gmail dot com so I can fix the issue (no, I will not explain this email).

"I have heard from numerous sources (many of them seemingly credible) that the average human consumes an average of four spiders per year in his or her sleep. Is there any truth to this fact? And if so, why would the spiders go in our mouths? --Michael O'Shea"

See, I'm sure you ate something more appetizing than this for breakfast. And if not, feel free to share. (The experience, not the meal.)

Doug:
"Amazingly, I cannot find this one debunked in either the alt.folklore.urban or snopes urban legend archives."

Not very comforting..yet.

"Realistically, the average number of spiders swallowed at night per person per lifetime is probably less than one."

In this case, my favorite number less than one is zero.

"For a spider to get into your mouth while you're sleeping, (a) you must have your mouth OPEN, which is certainly not universal, so there's a big chunk of people who can never swallow anything"

And there's some people who can swallow anything... They've showed me...

"b) there has to be a wandering spider in your immediate vicinity, also something which--for most people in the civilized world, at least--is a fairly rare occurrence; (c) the spider has to either jump or fall into your mouth from a long distance, because they won't go near your mouth otherwise (they're not suicidal)"

I'm not sure what fairly rare means, but I've lived in a house where I saw about a spider a week... ahh, childhood... As for spiders not being suicidal; I don't think they do much by intention or invention, it's not like they plan out their day:

• eat a bug
• make a web
• eat a bug
• crawl into Fred's mouth for a nap

"Put it all together, and it would be a miracle for a spider to end up in anyone's mouth while they're sleeping, except for one rare circumstance--"

A miracle you say? This is one particular miracle I could do without knowing about or experiencing. I'd much rather become spontaneously volacious...

Pleasant dreams.

Coffee Too Late or Too Late, It's Gone

Yep, I just drank the last drop of coffee... So either someone is going to have to listen to my incessant chatter tonight, or I'll be actually getting some studying done...maybe... I could potentially be studying Biology this evening...ha...ha... No, that isn't funny to me either. I just felt like spewing forth something unoriginal and annoying. Ok, Matlab class is done, time to look into being productive...

World Wide or Softer Side?

Wow, people from all over the world end up at my site, at least that's what my little counter tells me. I thought all the clicks were just me during the whole proofreading, colorizing, editing, gloating, disapproving, and self-deprecating process (yeah, my 'process' has many steps, and their order varies)... Supposedly I've had visitors from Spain, Canada, Germany, UK, France, Denmark, Australia... (1)

Anyway, just thought that was interesting, wonder if I should curb my enthusiasm, it's not like I've got repeat readers, and they might even just be spiders or something...

Do I have a muse? And if I did, would me mentioning aspects of the person, or even just mentioning that I think I might have one, give said person away? Did I already incriminate myself? Maybe I should just drop the muse idea... It's much easier for me to imagine it's all just part of an internal plot to sabotage success with delicious procrastination... Mmmmm...

I have an idea. If say...six people I do not know request I put up a picture in my profile, I will. I've got a rather scary one that I created and modified today... It's even scary to me, and it's my own face, well as much as anyone's face is their own...just a thought.

So, green text is boring, purple is me mostly...(Yeah, I stole someone's favorite color once, and I just kind of stuck with it). Wonder if I should color links... Should I have a color for possibly head-ache inducing comments?
Because...
On occasion people tire of the effort it takes to listen to me, and I don't blame them. But at least they can ignore me or walk away. [Or..stop reading, but I don't recommend that, after all you might miss something enlightening or witty!] Perhaps at those times they can almost understand why I occasionally desire to get away from myself...

(1)I'm just kidding with the lowercase, France, please continue patronizing me!

Start and End or Never Begin

I would like to speak for a moment, in generalities. Or maybe with rhyme, that's always a good distraction from the raw truth...

[This may or may not have any real world relevance, sometimes I just feel the need to remove thoughts from my head via any means possible, besides this is less intrusive than a butter knife (1).]

I allowed my mind to wander,
And in depth it did ponder.
Something about you,
Innocence, that wasn't true.

It was just possibility,
Very fond curiosity.
Yet now once again,
My thoughts will be free.

This is no surprise,
I didn't expect you to realize.
But in the end you'll see.
I wasn't testing you,
I was testing me.

[Hmm, I dislike this poem, maybe I feel rushed or 'differently inspired'... If someone else agrees it's poor quality, the poem and this disclaimer may vanish.]

On a lighter note...I present a snippet of paraphrased conversation from an anonymous vegan friend of mine...

"I have a gym membership, but I've never used it..."

"Well, sex is more fun anyway, you should try that as exercise."


"It's not quantitative enough."

"Hmm...use an egg-timer then."

"*DING* 35 minutes is up!"

[Where would a vegan get the energy for 35 minutes...(Don't make me footnote that, it was obviously quasi-teasing.)]

(1) Relax, it's a joke, no knife is touching my pretty hair.

Marketable or Dissociable

Ok, so maybe I can be both... But the first one actually brings in $$$! Since I began this oh-so-illustrious(1) Blog, I have made $.98. Yes, you read that right, ninety-eight cents. Granted, that's not enough to buy half a bagel at my school. But if I was homeless that would feed me for two or three days (I like my Ramen fancy). The best part is I know for a fact that at least one of the profit-generating clicks was not clicked by me. Thanks, random stranger. Even though it's great to get money for doing something fun, I refuse to ask people to click the banner at the top. No one likes a beggar. I just wanted to share this fact, and ask you, benevolent readers (if you exist), should I put "My Own Link Clicker" on my resume? (Imagine there's an accent on the end of resume)

Side Note:
A little known definition of illusion-
A fine transparent cloth, used for dresses or trimmings.

Makes me want to wear fine transparent clothes so I can say, "I'm wearing illusions." Ok, enough of my rambling, I doth (third person singular of 'do') indeed have school this day.

(1) Not sure if I can footnote in a standard way, so I'll just do this. Illustrious is used sarcastically here, I have neither delusions nor illusions of grandeur.

Hollow or Shallow

Would I want to live a simple life? If I really wanted to, how hard would it be to leave...to disappear...to start someplace new. No, complexity is acceptable.. Besides, I have a feeling I'm the cause of most of my own difficulties, and as much as you run, you can never run from yourself.

[Reminder to the reader: green text is boring, so find something to better to do if you wish.]

Test this week, Computer Science... Perhaps I should do the reading, but it's more fun to waste time and attempt rhyme... Also, my life has been nuanced lately, and I don't particularly mind trying to sort through some of the puzzles I've been presented with... Missed Family Guy again, but it was actually a choice this time, so I don't mind too much. Well, I can't even think of anything else to say, boring or otherwise...

Fade to Blonde or Sleep is Fond

It happened. My hair is now golden... I'd post a picture, but unfortunately I don't enjoy being my own photographer, so you must use your imagination. Also considering I've never even posted a picture of myself to use as a base, you have to be really creative if you've never actually met me.

Anyway, sleep is whispering in my ear, and it's offering me a pleasant dream...

Thirty Below or Nothing Left to Show

Yeah, four random topics today, all of them a bit dreary...


30 below

[Paraphrased]
"I'm smart enough to know my limitations, yet not dumb enough to be blissfully ignorant of them..."

"We'd probably both be better off with 30 less I.Q. points."

"Yeah, then I could have been president."

seepage

I fear my soul has sprung a leak, but I'm not sure if it's more like a sinking ship, or a wound that needs to be lanced... So do I hide it? Do I widen it? I'm not sure it can be widened, but perhaps it will close on it's own...

exposureNothing important:
I'm exposed to you,
Glaring painful and true,
Nothing left to hide,
You've seen my weaker side.

If this release can set me free,
Does that mean I escape from me?


pestiferous

I had a conversation recently...
Let me know what you think: (I) humanity or (II)humanity?

The spellchecker didn't know pestiferous, but neither did I.

Nothing left to see here, move along now...

It's the Weekend and Time to Misspend

So, another week down, test..
*ahem*
Tests were not as bad as expected. Fairly confident I recieved an 'A' on both. Even though I should have studied more and could have done better. The weekend is once again upon me, but I fear this one will not live up to the past two... I guess I could make some calls... Sometimes I'd rather not take those steps, because the uncertainty of possibilities is more comforting than the guarantee of reality...
At the end of each week I always think to myself, "This is the weekend I'll use my time efficiently and catch up on assignments and reading..." Yeah, I think in purple when I think to myself..problem? Even though I actually believe myself when I think that, I somehow confound my own intentions every time...

Job fair was fun, it was like halloween, only with trinkets that will far outlast snack-size candy bars. I did actually have an interest in a few companies, unfortunately my application was dismal... I believe it was quite possibly more harmful to give it to them than not to... Oh well, no use crying over spilt miller. Well, now that my desire to post is sated, I guess I will continue evading the responsibilities I have determined that I should do...

Confused....? Comment and tell me how terribly convoluted I write...

Insanity or Spontaneity

"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me."
--Hunter S. Thompson

How do you know if you're insane? Or by the very definition is it unlikely? If you think you're insane, does that mean you still have enough sanity left to recognize it?

No, no, no... I'm not going crazy, I've been there for years. However, I appreciate both the sanity that clings to me, and the insanity I cling to. If I find it easy to be normal, but choose to let the alternate aspects of my personality flourish, does that mean I'm flawed? I bet, with some decent amount of effort and the stifling of my own desires and urges, I could be a normal member of society, but if I dislike society in general, why would I want to do that? So today I decided to fill the topic with rhetorical questions. Maybe I'm feeling a little more exposed now that I have a reader...

Clarification: Someone read my entries, so I don't officially have a reader, when I do I will actually start my posts with some introductory comment instead of jumping right in. I mean, since I'm my only reader, I don't need to provide any introduction. My thoughts don't generally give me warning before leaping from topic to topic, so why should I warn myself in writing.

Hmmm, not sure if this post is interesting or just strange. When I meet someone interesting and strange, I find myself compelled by the middle ground, intrigue...

(Side note: boring)
I wonder if anyone else experiences typing impediments... It's like a speech impediment, only instead of having a lisp, (cruel that that word has an 's', in my opinion) I frequently type 'q' when I mean to type 'g'. Not sure why, I mean I type very quickly and accurately, but some part of me is wired to transpose the two letters. Another quirk of my typing is when trying to type the name 'Wayne', my fingers always want to type 'Waybe'... Go figure.
‹/end boring›

Oh! I fear that time has indeed 'run out.' So I must depart and attempt to catch up... I guess the topic of spontaneity was not breached, so it'll be my dirty little secret (maybe, if you're lucky...I'll return to the topic)...

Work To Do or To Do Work

Ok, there's a lot of work to be done, but I felt the urge to ramble for a moment before I get something done... I found an entry on goombah on dictionary.com, which is interesting because I always visualize this:

Although this is irrelevant to pretty much anything, I just felt like posting. However, I do not deem this topic boring, so no green.

Brief Thoughts #2

Green (AKA, uninteresting) post forthcoming:
Breviloquent, it was listed in dictionary.com's thesaurus, however they do not have an entry for its definition...(Only breviloquence). Curious... I then checked miriamwebster.com, but they require a membership to track down this elusive word. So I did a search, and I found a website... the Grandiloquent Dictionary, sort of interesting. This wasn't an entirely random procedure, I was trying to find a better word for 'brief' to title my posts. But I'm not sure I'm satisfied with breviloquence, so I'll look elsewhere...

breviloquent
Speaking briefly about a subject

Brief Thoughts #1

Have you ever gotten a song stuck in your head that you have not heard in the past month? It can be impossible to trace the capricious contemplation back to the source of the cognitive queue....(Sorry, I had fun with that sentence...)
So I have ... Delirium Trigger (Coheed and Cambria) in my head... Emo, y'know?
This is called brief, so that is what it is...

Time to Sleep or I'm a Creep

The votes are in! The shirt stays off!
I love democracy...

An hour head massage... A mesmerizing light show... A little hot candle wax... The stuff that dreams are made of... Sometimes sleep deprivation feels like a drug, and sometimes you can feel drugged by an environment... I'm feeling a little of both. If I dream this morning (since the night is gone) I hope I remember them...

No TitleorTitle Forthcoming

I wanted to title this entry "Sensation or (opposite of sensation)" but it seems that sensation is a word without an antonym...
I checked out a book from Olin called, "Sensation: Intelligibility in Sensibility." I read a few paragraphs and I am pleasantly surprised. The voice is very strong in this book, not a single sentence is dumbed down... I might use more interesting words occasionally, but this book is loaded with them. And it's more coherent than Faulkner...

Random sentence:
"All consciousness is consciousness of something; this Husserlian formula designates intentionality as the essence of consciousness."
--neat huh?

Random Paragraph:
"To sense something is to catch on to the sense of something, its direction, orientation, or meaning. Sensibility is sense-perception, apprehension of sense. But to sense something is also to be sensitive to something, to be concerned by it, affected by it. It is to be pleased, gratified, contented and exhilarated, or to be pained, afflicted, and wounded, by something. A sentient subject does not innocently array object-forms about itself; it is not only oriented in free space by their sense, it is subject to them, to their brutality and their sustentation."

I wish I could write like this... Instead I must be content to cogitate and appreciate... Oh, and if you were wondering, I am doing this instead of what I should be; studying and doing homework. Two tests next week, three assignments due, and I'm wasting mental fluidity...

The spellchecker caught 'sustentation,' time to teach...

Sustentation

Something that sustains; a support.
Sustenance.

As in: "I seek spiritual sustentation, sensual sustentation, and scholastic sustentation..."

ProcrastinationorDistraction Management

If I'm not brief, I give anyone reading this permission to cause me mild discomfort when/if they find themselves in my company... (The green text is to signify boring)

So, in an attempt to free up a few credits at school I've been attempting to work with the Engineering writing instructor. He's an interesting fellow and is obviously capable. However he deals with people 'like me' all the time. He would rather I just take the class... (ECOMP 101? No thanks...) So after some persistence and having me get bounced off the head of the English department, he created a "test"...

I was required to sit and write for about 2:30... Two topics (not of my choosing)... In pencil... In two blue books... Not how I wanted to spend my Friday afternoon. But I did, and I had my usual sense of dissatisfaction upon completion... And without a spellchecker I was forced to avoid using words I would have liked to have used, to prevent appearing foolish. I do not write by hand, and I found it difficult to do, being out of practice and disliking the medium... But if that falls through, I can always just provide the English department with my portfolio, I'm sure that will solve the problem...

To Clear the Air...or You Might Not Care...

The following statement is hypothetical:

Should you stumble upon this blog through some unexpected link, and you feel like there is a suspicious familiarity... This is not mocking or parody, this is not me displaying an utter lack of originality, though I emulate, the intent is not to agitate...(Edit: nor to ingratiate.)

Hopefully that is sufficient...

From Vernacular to Versed or I Should Find Something Better to do With My Time

Deadlines met, but more are pressing down on me. Such is life. So what does any good college student do when there is work due? Anything but the work. Hence my entry here. I am actually "multi-tasking," but doubt I'll be able to get anything relevant done. I won't bore anyone excessively with what I'm studying, or what classes I'm taking, and since that's all that's on my mind at the moment, I'll wait for something interesting to say...
...
...
Still there?
...
...
I was contemplating cutting my hair short this weekend and dyeing it blonde. It was suggested that I not by a few of the housemates, since apparently most girls like dark hair, not fake hair. Not sure I care at this point.

I could say it's great how open my weekends are, and how I am free to do whatever I want. But in a way it draws my attention to the fact that I'm a solitary person. It's not that I usually refuse to hang out with people, it's just that people usually neglect to invite me. It might have something to do with my lack of certain social graces...
Another factor could be the age gap... It's not quite a decade, but it may as well be. I've stopped sharing that information so openly this semester. No one can ever guess my real age anyway, and I don't look it or act it. I don't want to be treated differently because of it, as much as I'm a wallflower all the social butterflies ignore, it doesn't mean I enjoy being outside of the social structure... Then again, I do realize how strange it is for some students, so I never force myself into situations and try to be conscious of other people's comfort levels.

Due to my lack of desire to do anything productive (as previously mentioned), I think I'll describe someone at random... However, it would be too easy to describe them with all the adjectives at my disposal, so I'll choose a letter...'S'.

secretive, subtle, sophisticated, suggestive, sapphire(?), shadowed, superlative, sui generis, spirited, stimulating, sparkling, satirical...

If I list too much more I run the risk of sounding simultaneously pedantic, peculiar, and of course puerile...(The letter I chose for myself was 'P', can you tell?) That and I would not want to actually describe someone, that would be psycho...

See, if I thought people were actually reading this, I might curb my rambling to prevent the excessive guilt I would feel for wasting someone else's time, but as far as I know, I'm relatively free to write what I want right now.

I just ran the spellchecker, and it doesn't know wallflower...

Wallflower:
Any of numerous herbs of the genus Erysimum of the mustard family, having fragrant yellow, orange, or brownish flowers. (yawn)
Any of several perennial herbs of the genus Cheiranthus, especially C. cheiri. (OOooooh, Cheiranthus)
One who does not participate in the activity at a social event because of shyness or unpopularity.
A security, company, or industry that is out of favor with investors.

Now...Look at the underlined portion... I always thought I was a wallflower, but I'm not really shy, now I see the other application, better suited to my 'personality'... Can you consider unpopularity a personality trait? I guess it's derived from traits. For instance, asking questions too personal of people you don't know (I'm guilty of this sometimes). Being blatantly honest... These are traits that may lead to unpopularity... D'you think people would look at me funny if, when asked to describe myself, I start with "Well, I'm unpopular..." I think that would be a self-fulfilling prophecy...

Now I'll go off on another tangent, blatant honesty. I know there must be a single word that can succinctly represent this trait...
I was thinking rectitude, but with respect to the morality component I tend to leave a little on the 'to be desired' side. I don't go out of my way to be less moral, but society tends to define morals on its own terms. One example of this is in the socially acceptable way to carry about a relationship. I lack the desire to do that, therefore I think I lack some morals associated with that topic. As for correct in judgment, I think it's generally good judgment to be honest. Even if it is sometimes acceptable to lie, I choose not to. As for the third definition, rather vague, so I'll avoid overemphasizing and just say...'yep'...
Next up veracious...

Veracious
Honest; truthful.
Accurate; precise.

Yes, I'm veracious... But I'm afraid people will confuse it with voracious, which I have not been as much lately... I'm also not vivacious, although I can be hyper, it's one of my rare states of being, and I'm not sure where my spirit stands in it's fullness. As for volacious, I wish! So, I guess I can use veracious to describe myself from this point forward, and hope people don't think I'm a hyperactive ravenous pterodactyl(I really hope that attempt at vocabulary wit is not unintelligible)......(It could have been worse, I could have said Quetzalcoatlus)..
...That's enough aimless ramblings for today, and maybe tomorrow...

A Little Music

Yes, I have problems avoiding distractions and procrastination, oh well... Thus, for my own reference, I am keeping track of stuff on Pandora that sounds like it has possibilities...

Never Win by Fischerspooner
Call 1-800-Fear by Lali Puna

Random Resolutions or Chance Choices...

I tend to decide things on a whim... I can generally stick with them as long as they are convenient... I once decided to not drink so much soda (translated: pop, sugar water, coke), and I was able to stick with that very well... I decided to attempt to live truthfully, and although it took some work, especially in our society, I've been able to maintain it on a level that I have not witnessed in others... I once considered moving 2400 miles away to a place where I knew no one and had no family, and I did... So my choices can range from relatively insignificant to life altering. I have just recently decided to stop using AIM. There is (are?) a combination of reasons, among them is me making somewhat of an ass of myself, and wasting time by just seeing who's on. What few friends I have don't tend to message me, and I don't tend to bother them. If there's something important, they can email one of my many addresses which I check multiple times daily... So, in summary, goodbye AIM... Besides, I can still chat with Gmail. I must attempt to limit my distractions, and because I started this Blog, I'll trade one distraction for another...

Intangible Theft or Not Bereft

This will be brief, but it will not be my last. Some imitate someone they know, some imitate someone they desire to know. Some just imitate out of boredom... or some false thought that through imitation they'll have a link to someone else... Anyway, I may not be joining the blogging crowd for any of the above reasons, or it could be due to all the above reasons... I felt I wanted to allow the possibility of sharing, however trite or plebeian my blog may be...