Sunday, April 30, 2006


It can be hard getting a program to work on all platforms, considering I do not even know where to find the error messages I'm generating.
[LL never called me back]
Still ill.
[It's not like her]
ALA meeting at 3:00.
[Perhaps I'm overanalyzing...]
Ta-ta for now.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Expel the Unwell

If I was chronologically misplaced, say 150 years, I think they might have quarantined me by now. But, lucky you, I'm open to the public to continue the spread of this wretched cold. Oh, by the way, not better yet.
[Eating: Protein Bar]
[Drinking: Water with a touch of lemon]
[Music: Garbage--"Sleep Together"]

[Eat me! Wait, that's directed to one person...]€
Not much important to share. I have work to do. I have important things to get done asap that I keep forgetting to do. Basically the "yep, still part of society" stuff we're all experiencint...
*sigh* hermitude...
[Let's be hermits!]€
CS News: Yay! I made a chat program. It's amazing the strange level of satisfaction that brings.
[Erand Girl, or Lady Leprechaun, hmmm..]€
Obligatory quote:
"The mind is not a hermit's cell, but a place of hospitality and intercourse."
--Charles Horton Cooley
[Only reason I like that quote:]€
Hehe, he said intercourse...

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Ewww, Green

Yeah, so I didn't get a whole lot better after a decent night's rest. I'm going to keep this brief, and it will be my only post today. Have a lot to do so I must manage my energy appropriately.
[Energy conservation...]€
Have I thanked my readers for reading lately? Thanks!
So, WILD is this weekend, what's the plan? Anyone actually like beer and want me to pick up an extra ... wait a minute, I'm not sure you guys are 21...
[Especially not LL!]€
Ok everyone, have a great day, enjoy the sun, and be sure to look two posts back for Kay's pet.

If you don't believe in yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Give Me Unction, Improve My Function

So, over the weekend, I hung out with some sick people. But I figured, "I don't get sick very often, I'll be fine." The next day I had a slightly sore throat. So I joked, "Yeah, I got what they had, but now I'm recovering." Well... I awoke this morning to some unpleasantness. Sore in a few places, congested and a scratchy throat. Don't mock the sick, they have biological weapons. I was wondering if monster is some kind of panacea, and was tempted to imbibe. However, I have decided against it. I think I'm going to aim for about 8-10 hours of sleep this evening. Much to the detriment of impending problem sets and computer labs.
[Maybe what LL had finally caught up with me?]€
So, I guess karma doesn't adore me as much as I thought. Perhaps there is someone I have unintentionally wronged recently, I should be more observant.
[By taking a roundabout path?]€
But fret not, I ate a protein bar and drank water for breakfast, so I have 100% of my daily C.
[Vitamin C, that is.]€
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice." Bill Cosby
[I guess I ain't so wise...]€
[Oh, and if you're looking for the ... unidentifiable creature, it's in the previous post. ]

Monday, April 24, 2006

It Was 'Nice' Knowing You...

Hmm, I feel the need to post, but not the inspiration to post anything interesting. So, without further ado...
[Here comes the green..]€
To do:
Sign up for KWUR demo taping
CSE132 Due Wednesday
PHY118 Due Thursday
ESE317 Due Friday
ESE230 Due (next) Monday
Yay for tuesdays?
[Gotta love tha DJ_Kumkwat, Holla!]€
Saw someone I did not expect to see. But only from the back. They seemed pretty focused on their work, and I had little desire to attract their attention [for a change].
[Eating: Indulgence trail mix.]
I'd post a link to that stuff, but when I did a search it was two blogs with annoying background music.
[Listening to: Frogpond "World Crash"]
Drowning out the sounds of whispers, yet still distracted by all the commotion. However, since I have nothing incredibly pressing, I thought I would try to do a little work here. Perhaps see a person or two that I usually only see on the weekends.
[Read: Alex or Kay.]€
I really wish I could come up with something thought provoking. But the only reason why my body is moving at the moment is probably due to the monster I drank earlier. I didn't sleep until around 4:00 last night. [No regrets.]
[Hehe, of course no regrets!]€
I could try to talk about my dimensional theories in physics, but I'm not sure there's a lot of request for that. So instead, this goes out to you, Kay.

The pink background was unintentional, but I guess it works.

In other news, I went to check to see if I could notify my most cherished readers of a fresh Sbemail. ( And no, there is not a new email, however there is a new game. So I went to check it out, since I'm in quite the procrastinating mood. And much to my pleasant surprise, the game says something that sounds oddly familiar...
"I don't understand you. I cannot understand you. I don't understand the things you say. I can't understand a single word"
[Yep, green for a reason...]€
I don't expect many people to appreciate the reference, so I'll clear up the confusion. referenced They
Might Be Giants lyrics! Yes, this thrills me immensely, and I hope you can appreciate the excellence of this situation. Moving on...
"Take time to express your creativity."--I guess I listened to my planner today. Now, to see if I can get a little real work done...

[I haven't eaten yet.]€

Sunday, April 23, 2006

News Bites

A few quick random bites of my life:
Went to city museum to help a friend celebrate her birthday. For those who do not know, it's like a big jungle gym with a lot of slides, metal tunnels, and just random abstractions. It's like a giant piece of convoluted art that you can wander through. The ball pit, one of my personal favorites, was a test in reflexes. At first I only prodded those accompanying me into war, but when the entire side joined in, I began to get overwhelmed. Throughout the experience, random groping was shared by all. It was very entertaining, even with the physical risks involved. [A few people sustained minor injuries, though not due to groping]
[Mmm, groping...]
Went to a few talks by a former UN weapons inspector. Was very informative and enlightening. Some of the stories he told seemed like scenes out of a good movie.
[ =^.^= ]
Thurtene. A carnival held by student groups. Lots of little booths, big scenes, a few rides, and a few plays. Sat in one play that was...interesting. Lots to see, and it brings back pleasant little memories of my distant youth. One of the coolest things to see was 'Super Barbeque Brothers'. Although the name was rather silly, the scenery and ambience were delightful [at least to me]. It really brought back memories of hours/days in front of a nintendo playing various versions of Super Mario Brothers.
[And I rubbed a princess' face!]
Bad news:
I think I am going to have to decline LeaderShape, which means they will keep my deposit.

I will also not be returning home for the summer.
[And I will be alone this summer...]
Good news:
I think I will be accepting the job as a summer conference assistant.

My aesthetician approved my project. I can now go forth next semester and tape many packages of gum to my wall as a form of artistic impression. It was originally veto'ed due to miscommunication, but that has since been cleared up.
[yay! gum+wall=art!!]
I will not be mooching off of my family this summer.

I have mostly stopped reading a particular blog, much to the surprise of some of my more interesting friends. I also heard mention of an individual I have not spoken to recently. One of the times due to my own intentional prodding. The other time due to intentional prodding, but that was not the information I was expecting.

So... time is short...
[And so are you, teehee!]
I should get to studying, I have no idea what this evening will bring.
[Do you?]
This quote reminds me of a friend:
My significant other right now is myself, which is what happens when you suffer from multiple personality disorder and self-obsession.
Joaquin Phoenix

The following is only a test:

Friday, April 21, 2006

Can You Say...Quandry?

I hope not, since quandry isn't a word. But if you can say quandary, then that's a bit more appropriate. Anyway, so I signed up for LeaderShape, was refused. I sat on the wait list for a bit, then went to pick up my deposit. Was told to wait a bit longer, and then found out I was accepted off the wait list. Probably because of my tenacity and connections. I later decided to apply for a summer conference assistant job, because it covers housing, is on campus, and allows 20 hours a week. That would mean I get to take chemistry over the summer, freeing up valuable course time for classes more important to my major. However, it overlaps with LeaderShape. I did not think it would be a big deal, considering it's only a three day overlap, and the summer job is the full three months. However... the summer job does the training during that time, so apparently it is important, at least to them. But that's ok, since I wasn't going to get the job.
[Pessimism at its best!]
Here's why:
Rushed day, wanted to eat, like the garlic chicken.
Garlic chicken becomes lunch.
Rushed for time, so have to rush from place to place.
Garlic chicken was somewhat spicy.
I realize that perhaps garlic chicken isn't the best thing to eat before an interview.
Too late.
I pop some gum.
Not sure the gum helps.
Still rushing, I head to the interview.
So...Interview time.
They sit at an akward angle, I have to crane my neck to see either of them.
I probably smell like garlic.
I'm sweating rather profusely.
And I never took out my gum.
Add it up,
gum+garlic+sweat=bad interview?
I call my friend who lives in St. Louis, letting him know.
I've still got a place to say, even if it is off campus.
[So it all works out?]
But that's ok, at least the LeaderShape thing will go smoothly, and so many cool people are gonna be there, some of my favorites! (Errand Girl, Veggie Girl, Flamingo, Grins, Slim, Lee... and a bunch of random enthusiastic bubbly freshmen.) So, things will work out, the situation was decided for me. However...
Hello Greg,
It is my pleasure to offer you a position working for Summer Conferences. If you choose to accept this position, please respond back by Monday, April 24. Remember, you must be able to start work Sunday, May 14th. If you have any questions, please don't hesistate to ask.
Thank you,

[Can you believe this???]
So, they must like gum garlic and ... sweat? Now, I have to choose one or the other. If I choose the summer conference, I miss out on LeaderShape and lose my 100$ deposit. If I choose LeaderShape, I miss out on this job, yet will have housing and be pretty busy over the summer, helping me forget some of the harsh reality I've recently been enduring. [Yeah, life is soooo rough when you're not starving, have a roof over your head, and friends you can tell anything to.]
[Like you!]
Hmm, so, I'm going to have to figure this out, feel free to offer insight, if you're reading this, either you got here randomly, or you are someone who's opinion I value. Either way, let me know what you think.

Monster Morning
Morning, Monster

My can of monster has a warning label. It seems to read:

"Good morning, I love you.
Drink me."
[Mmmm, monster]{euro}
I love you too, monster... I will probably post later, if my breakfast bids me so.

Sometimes when you turn to walk away, it takes you a minute to realize you just spun 360 degrees...(1)

[Tiny hidden message.]

(1) That's 2 Pi radians for all you engineering nerds out there.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

The Egret of Regret

Remind me to write another fable with an egret, so I can rhyme it with regret... [Shh, I'm pretending they are pronounced the same!] So, I do regret posting this, because it means it pushes down my previous post, which was... golden. You should really read it. I mean, even if you have already, I changed something. I swear. I did. Right after I posted this one, I changed that one. I'm not going to post a link to it, since all you have to do is scroll down.
[Listening to: 187 hours of music on random play--
Everything I have marked as 'play count: 0']
[Eating: Combos(1)]
[Sexxy should be the new spelling.]€
So, I really should be finishing my ESE317, especially considering I fairly bombed a test. Well, perhaps that is an understatement. It's more like I was bombed by the test, and then it proceeded to stuff what's left of my ego into an olive and shove it in my... nose. Yeah, nose, Painful. *sigh* Pleasant dreams my lovely readers. I'll post tomorrow, you know I will...
[I don't mean to be so rubbery.]€
But first, a nugget of wisdom:
If at first you don't succeed, try try again... you're giving us all a good laugh.
--Picture me shoving myself through a tire. Yeah, excuse me while I hunt down Justin's camera...

(1) I actually started eating them just so I could write that.

Nobility and Passibility

Ah-hah! You thought you'd win today. Thought you could say, "He didn't post today, and I checked today, I caught him not posting today, I won!"

To that, I say, 'BZZZZZZZZZZZ' , nope!
[Haha, I got you...]€
Ok, enough foolishness...
[Yeah, right...]€
So, speaking of seriousness... PandaBall! That's right, Pandas and balls, how can you go wrong? There's actually an inside joke that goes along with my theme, but I wouldn't want to bore you...or would I...?
[Errand Gurl, haha!]
So, I sent my errand girl off to fetch my forgotten powercord, and in her maniacal wisdom, she had me hold her 'bag'. Black and pink, Chi Omega. Very feminine. So I sling it over my shoulder and start walking. After a few feet I realize I do not feel quite comfortable carrying it over my shoulder, so I proceed to carry it by the strap. Nope, still seems too feminine. So I grab it by the 'body' of the bag. Hmm, still not good enough. So my last idea is to ball as much of it as I can into my fist and carry it as if it's causing me physical pain. Which, if I was allergic to girls and cooties, it would. Just thought I'd share, even though I have the feeling over half my readers are more than comfortable carrying around pink and black bags.
[What else?]€
Where's Roxy? Where's Jasmine? Where's L'Angel Magnifique? Oh, that's right, I don't go to strip clubs...
[I like it when my back is rubbed...I purr..]€
My planner has a quote, "Think of yourself as your body's best friend, not its enemy." --Awww, that was one fight I was winning...
[And now, a quote from me, fresh squeezed!]€
Sometimes it is nobler to admit defeat and save your opponent some time...
[Post secret = goosebumps]€
And finally, the moment you've been waiting for... Something worthwhile... PostSecret updated!

Oh yeah, and the interview went poorly, does not look like I'll be getting that summer job. {random insignificant edit}

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Sell myself?

I am worth $2,130,282 on
Any buyers?
[Bleh, not even worth the paper I'm written on...]€
[Listening to: Garbage -- Nobody Loves You]
[Eating: My soul, bit by bit...yum.]
[Ignore me, I either get better, or go away.]€

All Hail the Thunder

So I guess I fell asleep during a huge storm last night. I wish storms would strike more frequently so I could fall asleep easier. Thunderstorms simultaneously relax and excite me. I didn't even wake up when the hail started hitting the window. My roommate gave me the impression that it was quite a feat to be able to sleep through that.
[Still feeling...blah]€
Also, the situation with Facebook is not nearly as dire as I thought it was. I think I can still re-subscribe and have all my friends/groups/etc...
[I'm not sure what my problem is]€
Well, I think I have a lot to do today, but I knew I had to post for my daily reader. I mean, a day without my rambling would be...
...I guess just a day without my rambling, no big deal.
[Ennui? It's in the dictionary.]€
To each his own, and may each own himself.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Erasure, Part Deux

Little did I know I was foreshadowing...

So, I use a site called Facebook. For those who don't know (the few lucky among us), it is a website that allows people to keep in touch. Allows friends to inform other friends of what's going on, and allows people to find new associations through similar interests. Oh, and it's a stalker's paradise. After finding out someone's first name and one single bit of information, you can suddenly find out their relationship status, classes they are taking, who you know in common, etc...

I was thinking about putting it on pause over the summer. I figured there must be some kind of feature to allow me to do this. I found what I thought would work, however it worked too well. I am no longer a member of the Facebook community. I actually expect that a person or two may notice, but oh well. The part of this that bothers me the most is... less people will read my blog.
[Waaah =(]
I feel like I'm on the cusp of unpleasantness...
I feel like I'm about to be refused something I really want.
I feel like I'm about to lose something I never had.
I feel like I'm about to give up wanting something that will never be mine.
[Listening to: Emo-Mogwai]
[Eating:...wait, I Want to eat, bye.]


If a person is the sum total of their experiences, and we try to remove one group of experiences from our minds, do we become a different person? Less of a person? If you live a life without regret, and then taste how sour it is, yet cannot get the taste out of your mouth, what do you use for a rinse? Is being alone a self-fulfilling prophecy? Is that a wish that the universe freely grants to those unsuspecting of what they are really asking for?
[I did tell you.]
Contractor: "My dream is to one day become a regular employee."
Catbert: "My dream is to eat candy and poop emeralds."
Catbert: "The difference is that I'm halfway successful."
[But that does not mean I]
Y'know, it would be fun to remember Catbert's part of this conversation and use it liberally...
[wanted to be right.]
Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. -- Buddha
[Enjoy your day.]
I didn't feel like making up anything original today...

Monday, April 17, 2006

Green and Blue

As he ponders his future, he still finds the time to enjoy the sun on his back and the wind across his skin. He may be a little green frog, but sometimes he feels pretty blue. As he wanders through a field he has wandered through countless times before, he almost stumbles into a deep hole.
"When did this get here?" he wonders aloud.
"Leave me alone..." answers a voice from the pit.
"Hmm, what's this then?" the frog says as he peers into the hole.
At the bottom is a small blue lizard. The frog's first instinct is to help, so he runs over to a nearby tree and grabs a vine. Throwing it in he shouts down the hole,
"Grab onto this, and I'll pull you out."
The lizard doesn't even look up, and repeats,
"Leave me alone..."
"Hmm, are you weak? Is that not good enough?"
The frog thinks perhaps this is not good enough, and proceeds to collect more sticks and vines to build a ladder. Although it takes a while, and he suffers a few small injuries, he figures it should be sufficient to help the little blue lizard out of the pit. Grunting and struggling he drags the newly built ladder over to the pit.
"Look out down there, I'm dropping a ladder in!"
"Leave me alone..."
The ladder lands with a soft 'whump' and settles in firmly.
"Is this good, can you get out?"
This time the strange little lizard doesn't even reply.
"Hmmm, what else can I do for you?"
"Leave me alone..."
The frog reflects for a moment and, remembering that lizards float, comes up with his next plan.
Although it takes days, he gradually diverts some of the nearby stream toward the hole. He injures himself multiple times, and expends a lot of energy. Even through all the hardship, he feels a sense of satisfaction that he is helping.
"I'm almost ready to fill the hole with water, all you have to do is float to the top."
"Leave me alone..." is the only reply.
After the last bit of dirt is removed from the trench, the water begins flowing freely. The trench widens and the frog smiles in satisfaction. This will save the lizard for sure!
As the frog quickly hops back to the hole, what he sees shocks him. The lizard is not floating! Peering as hard as he can, he sees that the lizard is clinging to the bottom of the ladder, underneath the water.
"Nonono! Float! Climb! Do something, don't stay there, you can't hold your breath that long!"
Of course, this time the lizard doesn't reply. In a panic the frog tries to bury the trench to stop the water. To no avail, the water has widened the trench past the point of damming it up. Besides, he's a frog, not a beaver. He grimaces in agony as he collapses by the side of the rapidly filling pit. Panting and exhausted, all he can do is watch as the pit completely fills with water while the lizard remains at the bottom.
[Any of this sound familiar?]
Sometimes we may do more harm than good by so willingly committing our resources to someone who has no desire to be helped.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Story from the South

I've been remiss in posting about my spring break...
[Just in case you expect this.]
Once again she is under the overpass. Cart overburdened, exposed to the elements, aimless yet unwavering... I request that the driver stop, and she obliges. I run over to the homeless woman to share my 'bounty' received upon departure, two bags of Ruffles. I jog up to where she is standing, overloaded cart and all. Although I smell urine, I make no judgments. Besides, I don't smell winter-fresh myself. I offer her aforementioned chips... No response. I gently place them on her brimming cart, as if they were straw to a camel.
"Don't put nothin' on my bag!!"
I remove the chips hastily and pause, waiting to be informed as to the best location of the burdensome chips. Once more, no response. I place them at my feet and prepare to leave...
"Don't put nothin' here I don't want!!!" she snaps.
Once again, I oblige. I depart as promptly as I arrived, chips in tow...
[Hmm, short and to the point.]
It wasn't charity, it was excess. I wasn't plying for any favor, I was giving something of little need to me to someone else. I had no intention of chipping away at someone's already depreciated pride...

Warm Flashes

It's too warm to be just called warm. It's not really hot enough to be called hot. I guess you could say I'm caught in a conundrum of insignificant proportions. Physics felt like it was 97 but it was probably really only 90ish. The AC broke, sad times, free-flowing sweat, unpleasantness...
[Eating: Matzo (ball) Soup]
[Listening to: Toothpaste 2000]
So, I cannot think of any place to hide from the warmth, I guess I must tolerate sweating. Not sure how I'm going to handle it when the real summer gets here, unless I adapt quickly. It's not like I will be able to avoid people (trust me, I thought of that first.)

To Do:
Begin registration process for Forest Park
Avoid rambling
Make plans for show :

  • DJ Name (Kumkwat, Thinline, Captain Peroxide, Rabid Koala, Funkapottamus, ________ [write in])
  • Show Name (Mismatched Pears, Sopoforia, Dream Induction, Hour of Sour, Spoof Opera, Liquid Tuna Shack, ________ [write in])
  • Remember, it'll go like, "Hi, I'm DJ (name), and you're listening to (show)!"
  • So, would you like hearing, "Hi, I'm DJ Rabid Koala, and you're listening to the Liquid Tuna Shack!"
Stop by SHS
Attempt to finish CSE Lab, Physics Lab, 317 HW
[Hang out with someone special...]

[Posted Earlier Today:]
I have -15 minutes to post. (I have a chapter and a half to read in physics, and only 22 minutes or less to read it). But I thought there were some vital things for me to share.
[This is something new, and]
I'm not wearing socks or shoes. I think what I'm wearing are called 'slides'. That means I did, in fact, trim my toenails this morning. It also means my feet will get sun for the first time in...Months, to say the least...
[I am mostly posting this for you]
[Eating: Poptarts]
[Listening to: Frogpond]

I'll feed my reader more later...

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Seek and Ye Shall Find

I'm on google! I know it's not really a big deal, but it's news to me. I just haven't found two words that will retrieve my site in the first few results. Well, not without using names. For instance, if I search "umbral aarthi" it shows me as the third result. Anyway, nothing important to say. This is a big weekend for some, and a mild weekend for others, hope everyone gets what they want.

I am the only result under umbralkin though...

To Should or Not To Should

Why do I take such merciless glee in butchering this language? Linguistic rules? Bleh, who needs constraints.

Mmmm, pop tarts, breakfast of champions. Or breakfast of those-who-forgot-to-get-milk-yesterday. So now I sit and snack on my condensed sugar and sip my 'milk chug'. And ponder...

So, the quasi-obligatory lyric of the moment:
"Maybe now
We don't fit together
But you've got your arms around
No one but strangers

I feel fine with the sun in my eyes
The wind in my hair
When I'm falling out of this sky
I'm doing better than I thought I would
But nothing's ever as good
As when you're on top"

"When you're on top"-Wallflowers
[Hi there!]
To do today:
Physics Homework
Computer Lab
Avoid Posting to Blog
Avoid Distraction

Cheer Up
[Have a good day!]
And look who it is, our special guest...
[Ahhhhh! Aarthi!!]
"Ahh, I've gotten the wrong muffin top... I'm deciding if I should change it in for the one I like, or just eat it. What do you think?"
"eat it"
"This is not bad, I've never had it before. It's like carrot and raisin."
[Thrilling, eh?]
Enough of that excitement.

I know I had something intelligent to say, but I fear I've lost it. Perhaps later after I have finished physics homework. I can still force something senseless out:
People with bubbly personalities sometimes give me indigestion.

"I could have guessed"
"Yeah, considering you had the range of 25 to 35 and wanted 20 guesses..."

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Moving On!

Eighty by the weekend! Dad let me know it was rainy and cold in Oregon. I know, shocks me too! So, shorts. It's nice seeing them on others, I apologize for feeling the need to wear them too, hehe. I've been rather manic lately. And by 'rather' I mean rather intensely. To those who care about me, I apologize. Of course, I haven't told most people who care about this... outlet. But things are better, things are getting resolved. I feel I have...time today. I haven't felt like I've had time in a while. But I do... I have time to finish what I have to. Study for ESE230. Set up Maple for ESE317. I may even have time to tend to a deep cut or two that I've recieved recently. (Ask me about the broken fishbowl...ouch) Of course, some of the wounds can't be tended to with a band-aid and a little neosporin. But I've got someone to help me with those. At least for a little while, they've got other plans eventually.

Something interesting:
"Imagine that when you see a city's skyline, you taste blackberries. Or maybe when you hear a violin, you feel a tickle on your left knee. Perhaps you are completely convinced that Wednesdays are light red. If you have experiences like these, you might have synesthesia."

Is it silly to want that? I want to taste a memory when I see someone. Taste the sushi we shared. Or taste the edible body paint (The good flavor, not the gross one). Or even feel a rush of warmth when she smiles that knowing smile I'm starting to know myself.
[Thank you for not leaving so easily.]
Someone recently said something that was hard for me to not find endearing;
"I'm glad they're not there, or I'd get myself hurt trying to hurt them..."
Hehe, gave me images of a puppy fighting a burglar. My little helpless defender. Kawaii!
[Things are getting better.]
So, I sincerely feel a decent cheer building, and amazingly, I haven't even sipped my monster yet. But it seems to smile at me invitingly, and I have ESE317 in about 13 minutes.
[I'd feel more cheer if my sick friend would get better!]
Another reason for my good mood: something I have had difficulty resolving recently has possibly resolved itself. Maybe not the way it could have turned out, but maybe the way it should have. And close to the way I thought it would from the beginning. (Sorry so vague, to some this must seem a waste of text!)
[In my head this is what is said:]
Listen to this:
" (Girl) You've got a lure I can't deny
But you've had your chance,
So say goodbye.
Say goodbye."
Aww yeah, that's the Postal Service baby!! Hear it? I hear it...

May your dreams be pleasant, in sleep or otherwise.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Make it Quick!

I'll possibly post a picture later. It's like a teddy bear, only a bit more disturbing to some. I have to remove the blue notebook lines before I can post it. And I'll be dedicating it to someone (Someone who's roots are showing, like me!).

Notes to Self:
Smile more
Take things way less seriously

Enjoy the sun
Don't fear eye contact
Don't spend time fretting over work to do, do it

So, things are better today, at least so far. They're usually slightly worse during ESE317.
I'll post later.
[By the way, I do not believe I properly thanked you for your support. Remind me to later, I'd hate to forget.]

Sunday, April 09, 2006

So Much to Say

...luckily I've found a willing ear. I make every attempt to keep this site light and upbeat. Something that I would like to share has happened recently, but it is deeply umbral, so I will pass on sharing that. Onto more positive notes...

I'm still very much looking forward to my housing arrangements next semester. The more I hang out with the Carpe Diem Society, the more I see how much fun and entertainment is in store for the future. And I'll have a single. A nicely sized one.

Things are bright outside. The sun shines as if attempting to cheer me up. It might be working, gradually. As well as someone I hang out with that has a sunny disposition. I might be able to stay on campus as well as take a class at my other school (Forest Park). Will be busy, but most of my friends are leaving anyway.

Oh, and I went to Forest Park for a picnic with some friends, good food, nice scenery, overall a very pleasant experience. I was able to forget so many frustrations and enjoy just being there.

This would be more interesting if I vented, but I think I should hold off for a bit, until I stabalize. [Can't forget this...Hope you like my quote!]
So, this quote may be a bit dour, but consider it a hint:
"I'm not seeking the suffering you're offering, so peddle your disaster elsewhere..."

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Guess What Time it Was?

Oh, been meaning to post this.

So it was 01:02:03 04-05-06, neat huh? Credit goes out to Rachel, I would have worked right through it.

I've also been meaning to post a picture of the 'perverted chicken' but one has not been forthcoming. If I do not recieve an official copy soon, I may have to provide my own rendition...

Puzzle Me This

So...time to post... Not sure how much I can/should divulge... How general/specific I should make it. I mean, I enjoy sharing, and if you are reading this, you deserve to know every little detail. But perhaps you know...
*It feels so nice not to sleep alone.*
I recommend reading the update to post-secret, some of them really made my eyes water. It's funny that secrets other people tell anonymously can apply so strongly to me.
*Yet why do some deny themselves*
So, I feel the above link and notification alone make this post worth reading. Phew, what a burden that relieves. I could attempt to empty what's in my head onto the page, but if I can't understand what I'm thinking, I have no expectations that anyone else will either. And I'm afraid the misunderstandings might cause excess confusion. Wow, this is not coming out clearly at all, I can't even 'not post' successfully today.
*The benefit?*
So... I have friends. I appreciate that. They have nuances that make them interesting and individual. They have opinions they are willing to share. They have character that they choose not to hide. I thank them.

I'm going to Eric's this evening for dinner. He's going to make shrimp diablo. One of my favorite meals. It's a red sauce, linguini noodles, shrimp, and a good amount of spice. Mmmm, shrimp. Like a friend once said, they probably wanted to die anyway, and why waste the bodies? Of course, I think she was rationalizing something, so perhaps I missed the point.

I've heard rumors that someone is under the impression they are practically dating someone else. But then that someone else is a person I find [understatement] intriguing[/understatement]. So at this point, I'm not sure what to think. The person of interest says one thing, but then I have strong doubts. And I do know someone who I spend a good portion of time with who actually makes the effort to hang out with me. It's so nice to know when someone actually enjoys your company, as I've said before. It's one thing to make it clear when you are sharing the same space with someone. But when you feel invisible outside that bubble of proximity, it makes you doubt you even belong there, no matter what is done or said inside. Maybe I have issues with understanding my own reality.
[Not all edible finger paints should be considered edible...]
The above paragraph helps me realize why some people use fake names. But then I think if I used them they would either be obvious, someone else's, or just annoying to the reader. I guess I could say 'Person A'. But then when 'Person A' figures out who they are, they might be insulted that they weren't 'Person 1'. And I do not mind using colors so much, but then there's the above issue, in addition to issue of limited palette.
[Call me...]
I love playing with metaphors, they don't have that strange play-doh smell...

Trying to think of something to end this post is proving difficult...
Out of need springs desire, and out of desire springs the energy and the will to win.
--Denis Waitley
(I usually paint my desires in such a negative light...they seem so selfish...)

Friday, April 07, 2006

Sleep Deprivation, the Cheapest Drug?

DISCLAIM: Super long post, stream of consciousness/lack of sleep style. If you think it should be green, tell me and I'll paint it so [someone wanted it green...]. It only takes one comment ;-)

So, if you read my blog, first off, thanks. Also, you may know that I have problems dealing with my irrational thoughts on a rational level, by definition. Oh, and by the way, I have not slept yet. I plan on it. When my brain and body suffer simultaneous temporary failure. Any time now...

Where was I.
Oh yeah, so irrationality.
Why can't I just realize how pointless desire is? By definition it is wanting something you do not have, but when you have it, you can't really desire it. At least not at the moment of achievement. But it rebuilds, and desire grows again. Desire and addiction are siblings in the house of my inanity. (Yes, I figured inanity was a more light-hearted word than insanity...) So I decided I could fight my desire for certain things. But irrationality can whisper, silently, relentlessly, till I wonder why I was avoiding said objects. Well, I do not think I am addicted to monster, I just really appreciate it. Besides, it has vitamins. And my real desires tend to be for less monetarily achievable aims.

Someone once asked me if they could buy me something, what would I want. It's funny how I can be stumped by simple questions, yet can make up answers to subjects I know nothing about. Then they asked me if I wanted them to decide for me. I chuckled. They didn't. I pondered. I do not think my lack of a response was due to indecision, it was simply due to a lack of desire. I have food, water, bed (even if I don't use it as much as I'd like, if you know what I mean). I enjoy having things, but I do not feel the need for them, and I do not generally feel want for something I no longer have. However, the desire of company, it drives deep into me. Touches me physically, emotionally, mentally, and...dare I say...spiritually. Yet when I continually experience the mutual sharing of company, I begin suffering from a plague of self-doubt. It's hard for me to understand why they like me. I may begin to avoid them, intentionally or unintentionally... Not because I feel any negative feelings toward them... I think it's a deeper issue than I'm aware of.
*Hops on the couch*
So, I guess it started in school, I was always different, if I let my intelligence flow freely, people made fun of me. If I kept to myself, people made fun of me. If I tried to act childish like them, I felt silly. So I decided to just keep to myself, knowing they'd tire. And in junior high, kids being cruel, some things were said that left a very long term impact.
*Gets more comfortable*
I didn't have any substantial relationships in my 'school daze'... In retrospect, I probably had two-three great opportunities, but as reasonably smart as I was, I was naive. I probably also disbelieved the signs. I mean, if a girl was staring at me, it might have been because my hair was messed up. Or she was trying to figure out why my eyes had dark circles. Maybe she was trying to figure out if I was the shy boring type, or the quiet scary type. I did wear all black, after all...
*Stretches out fully*
Then there was my friendship issues. I never really felt like I wanted or needed a lot of friends. I felt that I would have had to have been false to maintain more than a few. I wasn't a social genius by any means. And I remember losing a few friends for strange reasons. One parent said I couldn't come around anymore because I was too polite. Then there was the time I went to the hospital during my then-best-friend's birthday party. He didn't talk to me much after that. My family also seemed to have the habit of moving an average of every four months.
*Idly picks at a couch seam*
So, back to relationships I guess..., I've rambled long enough, there's probably no one left reading...
[Except you...]
If we only have one life to live, you would think it would be our most valuable singular commodity...So why is it so easy to waste?

Doesn't it make you smile when you see someone cute, but you can't get a good look because everytime you glace their way they are looking at you...?

You Rub Off On Me In the Strangest Ways

So, I haven't skipped a night's sleep in as far as I can remember. But it was not for recreation or false procreation. It was for schoolwork. I refused to allow myself to sleep until it was completed, and it ended up being so early by the time I finished I figured sleep was pointless.
[Listening to: Suede - Electricity]
So, I sit here while my monster bubbles merrily, various music filling my ears... This is going to be an interesting day, I can feel it. Oh, and spring has sprung. The birds are 'singing', the palette of the landscape has grown by about 40 colors in the past few days. The squirrels, like me, are just trying to find a nut...wait, that didn't sound right...
[Tell me a secret...]
Anyway, I have issues I need to resolve later in the day. And I have physics reading right....
now .

Wednesday, April 05, 2006


[Music: Coheed and Cambria-some album with a long-ass title]

I feel annoyed and grouchy. Probably because my energy has waned, and people are getting on my nerves today. My CSE project was right at the deadline, and was not up to par. The TA's and I were unable to do something that should be extremely simple...and we spent over 40 minutes on it. While I was getting frustrated with that my partner(1), who was working on the next lab (due in a week), kept asking me to do other things. Not that he provided any assistance when I requested it. Then someone in one of my classes tells me I need to chill, because I guess I was comparing answers in a stressed out way? F*&% that... Yeah, I almost swore. And I have homework due for the next two days and not enough time to do it. This isn't helping me get it done, but it is making me feel a little better. There is someone I may end up hanging out with briefly tonight, but I'm convincing myself I do not care either way. Ask me tomorrow how I feel after she ends up forgetting/shrugging it off, and likely not even calling(2). [Clarification: By hanging out, I mean coffee in public.]
*Why am I so pissed?*
On a positive note...
I don't have any positive notes right now, so perhaps I can muster a bitter quote:
*Shrug, it's not you*
When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in your eyes, you masochist...

I honestly do thank you for reading...

(1) I have to admit though, he's doing more of the project than I, and the stuff he's done is outstanding.
(2) I also have to admit that I *did* give an ambiguous answer last time we spoke about this evening.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Secret Note

I feel I missed out on passing notes in school. I wish I could have checked those little boxes, or made my own. I have secrets, but I share them too freely and openly, so are they still secrets? But the secrets I do keep burn for a while at the forefront of my mind, but I keep them to myself, those I know are secrets...

This blog gives me goosebumps:

Every time I read it I find myself fascinated. It's like packing entire books into a postcard. It's compressed reality... Condensed life... I do not think I'll ever share a secret there, but I respect those who do.

Thanks for reading...
Give of yourself freely, but watch who you give your heart to, they might not know what to do with it.

You may have noticed I changed my style. I am trying to change the way I think, one small modification at a time, extrication from complication, hmmm?

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Sunny Day

I had a lot I wanted to write about, but I should not use too much of my time (or yours), so I'll attempt to make it brief.
[I also feel the need to]
Things are better, but they're not best.
[put in secret messages]
Aarthi is striking terror into the hearts of people everywhere, including a 'random' individual in my physics class.
[because if I don't, I might]
People do not throw away things that have been sitting around for weeks, but will throw away my water bottle (with cold water still in it) after mere minutes.
[be letting someone down =-P]
Time doesn't heal all wounds, but if you stop poking at them, it does a better job.

I am now the proud owner of nine boxes of gum. I plan on using it to decorate one my walls next semester, any artistic individuals want to offer their aesthetics advice?

Thinking about dying my hair again, however it has not yet began its decline.

Did poorly on a physics test.

The sun is shining, I have work to do and actually feel like doing it, although I should do reading work outside on such a pleasant day...
[And now, for the obligatory departing words.]
Until next time,
May the wealth of your knowledge always pay the costs of your decisions.